Haven't posted in a long time!
Well, school has begun! I'm pretty excited about my classes and I'm really trying to focus on my art a lot more instead of making excuses or getting distracted by other things. It's hard though. Anyway, I'm taking Foundry (metal working, moldmaking, metal casting) and I am so excited to make some art that is basically indestructible and really badass. Hopefully I can get a really good concept so it will be a piece that I won't be embarrassed to hang on to for a million years. Also, why the fuck is it so hard to find sculpture tools around Richmond? You'd think it would be easy considering there's a FUCKING ART SCHOOL WITH THE BEST SCULPTURE DEPARTMENT IN THE COUNTRY chilling right in the middle of the city, but no. I had to go to the DENTAL STORE to get stuff to sculpt wax! Whatever though, going out into the world helps me "get inspired". Like today when I went to the dental store, I found out that dental tools are really cool and that being a dentist would be sweet. Except for the wanting to kill yourself part.

I can see what I want and where I want to be, but I don't understand how to get there. When I'm writing about something or trying to find an answer to some kind of problem, I can see where I am, and I can see where I want to come out, but I just can't think about how to get it? It's like one of those maps on a computer game like Age of Empires where you can see your camp and then the places you've explored kind of, but everything else is blacked out and you don't know what's there until you can get the stuff you need to advance to it.

Do you ever feel like maybe you think too hard about things, and that stops you from getting anywhere with them? I feel like that a lot about daily events, trivial things and not-so-trivial things, and also about art. Maybe it's because I have this clear picture of what I want, and the want I have for that specific outcome is so strong that I am afraid to take action or let things take their course.

Art is really frustrating to me, and I always second-guess my decision to choose art as THE THING I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE, because I have no idea where it's going to take me and I don't feel good enough and my art doesn't have some meaning that is super thought out, a lot of times I just work off emotion and the way things look, and people seem to look down on that. And I am constantly comparing myself to other people. And it's really hard in Richmond I think, and VCU, because there are so many talented people and I am really afraid of failure and I feel like I'm really on the outside of a lot of things.

And I guess it kind of stems from the fact that I just don't really feel any connection with anyone at all. At this point, a lot of people are seeming very disposable to me. I guess people have always been like that in some sense. It's frustrating, especially when you see all this bullshit on TV and in movies that basically tells you that you are nothing without other people. Everyone has a missing part that is made up in their best friend or their one true love, blah blah blah.

My head is really a confused mess right now. I feel like I need to make one of those web things that you make in school to help you study or something.

LeMans

Third time's a charm!

I'm totally going to buy a sweet 1970 Pontiac LeMans from my neighbor (in NOVA). It's really rusty and the interior is halfway falling off... but I think I love it anyway. It's got a gorgeous body and it's green... so of course I like it. I guess it will be my fixer-upper. Haha. I guess I'll have two fixer-uppers.

6th Grade

I am always really embarrassed when I re-read my old Blogger and Xanga entries. But I don't want to delete them.


...Please don't read them.
Lol.

Inertia

Inertia is a really irritating word to me. It sounds like it's full of motion, forward motion that has a lot of momentum behind it, but it really means inactivity, or if you're into physics, keeping the same speed and direction unless something fucks with it. And I guess my wrong definition is sort of like the physics definition, but I just think the way inertia feels is so different than just saying "oh, well, it's just going along steadily," that sounds so boring and wrong. The sound inertia makes is like rushing water and a powerful punch, it can almost sound like a four letter word. It's like an insult. You're so inert. You're lazy. You keep going forward, but nothing affects you. Boring. Predictable. Blaaaah!

I wish I were good at writing, because I have a lot on my mind and I can never seem to find the right outlet for it. I feel like I could say what I think a million times to everyone I know and none of them would ever understand it.
And I'm not saying this in a sad, look at me, I'm different type of way. I've kind of come to terms with it. But sometimes I just wish there was someone there who I could start my thought and they'd know what I was talking about before I was even done saying it.
I feel lonely. No I don't. I feel alone, but not lonely. I appreciate all my friends and the things they bring to my life, but I feel like I'm always searching for that one missing piece.
I like to be alone with my thoughts and the silence and just take in everything about the way the air feels and the smells it brings with it and the way the sun feels when it touches me or when the wind tickles my skin but I can't help but feel it might be better sometimes if I had that right person to sit there in silence with me or maybe just point out things that maybe I noticed and maybe I didn't but that are important because they seem so trivial.

I loved her, like we learn to love the people by our side, because they are our only companions.

I like this quote, I don't know what it is originally from, but I saw it on PostSecret Germany. I'd like to find it in English somewhere so I can understand it better, but I like what it means to me now :)

Helicopter

I had the best dream ever of my life last night that I flew in a helicopter to Australia and Montreal. It was the coolest shit ever.

Wall-E

Going to Target RIGHT NOW to get Wall-E, mothafuckaaaaaaaaahs!

Total Revenge

I found a mix CD, circa 2002, and I am really pumped about it. It has all of these songs that I completely forgot about that are also lost in the abyss of my desktop's harddrive. Or possibly gone forever. But whatever, they're back now!
Also, if you're lucky enough to have a roommate that cooks for you (or your mother could even count for that matter), do NOT have the audacity to complain.... THEY COOK YOUR FOOD. THEY CAN DO ANYTHING THEY WANT TO IT. That's all.

just so i remember

ISTP

Tracey Emin

You are my hero.

Karim Rashid

LOVE HIM



www.karimrashid.com

Don't Even Know

I feel generally confused. Maybe not attracted? I don't wanna lead anyone on. Fuck.
I got DK64.
Ah.

In other news, I fucking love Punk Goes Crunk. It's.... amazing. I love rap. I love punk. Well I guess pop-punk would be more like it. Either way, all of the Punk Goes.... are all really awesome. SIGH.

Fauxxxxx

Faux techniques is a forreal overrated class. Well i guess it can't be overrated if i've never heard of it before taking it. But I took it and today was my last day of it... I learned NOTHING!!! I mean, you'd think that since it's for sculpture majors that it would have some sort of ehh i don't know maybe a 3d aspect... I'm kind of freewriting here so you'll have to excuse my horrible diction... it just disappointed me that all we did was PAINT. I mean yeah it's a finishing class and blah blah, but like i wanted to MAKE something... like, learn how to make shit look like other shit. hard to find an example at the moment, but as someone mentioned to me previously, making styrofoam look like rocks, etc, etc... idk i just wanted to learn how to do something NEW. maybe it's just me, but painting is (NOT to say it's EASY) but something that I just already know how to do. it's so easy for me to paint wood that's realistic enough to get the point across. i'm not saying i'm the best ever at it but i just feel like that is already part of my repertoire. blah! that said, i'm off to look at sketchbook monttttthhhh! still my favorite :)

Survivor

I doubt anyone cares, but it just bothers me that people think Survivor is called Survivor because Tender Branson survives in the end. That doesn't necessarily mean he survives the plane crash, because he was seen by the public eye as the last survivor of the Creedish cult so that already makes him a survivor. So whatever.
And I think this is the best book I've read yet by Chuck Palahniuk, because he doesn't add twelve ridiculous twists, although I've heard that there is an alternate ending.

FUUUUUUCK

So. I manage all the bills for my house. Today I opened up the electric bill and it has
MORE THAN DOUBLED
since last month. Holy. Fucking. Shit.
It really irritates me because people in this house insist on leaving their fans on ALL DAY, EVERY DAY, even when they aren't in their rooms. That's fucking ridiculous. I REFUSE to pay for other people's wastefulness. And don't even get me started on the number of times I've gone around to everyone's rooms while they were in class and turned off their lights. Who uses a light in the middle of the day!!!! PLEASE TELL ME!!!
IN ADDITION, if Comcast fucks up ONE MORE THING, I may have to pull some kind of Timothy McVeigh shit up in that bitch!!! We haven't had consistent service for even ONE SINGLE DAY since we started with them. I'd say our shit works about 30% of the time. I've had at LEAST five technicians come out to "look at the situation", only the last of whom could actually fix the problem, and they are trying to CHARGE ME for these visits!!! IF YOU NEVER GOT MY INTERNET WORKING TO BEGIN WITH, WHY SHOULD I PAY YOU FOR VISITS BACK TO FIX SOMETHING THAT YOU FUCKED UP!?
So basically, the bills for this month are going to come out to something like $66 a person.... and that's split between SIX people. Absolutely ridiculous, considering we only paid about $40 a person last month.

IN OTHER NEWS, I met this boy who I thought was really cool in a completely platonic manner, and I gave him my number and we started talking and I'm like cool, someone else to play MarioKart with. Well I guess not. Apparently I'm crazy. I've never been told that in my life, and seriously it's bothering me. I guess cause I've never been rejected like that. I mean, I did NOTHING and I just don't understand it! It's confusing and I really really have no idea what I did, wtffffff. Ughhh boys.
Yeah and then in other male-related news, I am still bitter about the whole [censored] thing. It was nice to see him the other night but I forreal miss cuddling and I'm jealous of that bitch! Well maybe not jealous. I think the correct word is resentful. I resent the whole situation. I don't want to dwell on the past but I was forreal excited about it and then out of fucking nowhere! UGH!
Well. Whatever, whatever, whatever. Life goes on.
Maybe this date should be changed to September 17th. LOLLLLLLLLL JK

My Room is Awesome.

silence

Lately I've been in this really terrible mood that consists of me wanting to violently injure everyone around me. I mean, not really. But really.
Firstly, I forgot how much I hate art douchebags. You know what I'm talking about, those people who want to think they are so fuckin artsy, and they want YOU to think they're so fuckin artsy, so they keep journals where they draw the croissant and tea they had for breakfast in their Fan apartment or whatever, or like, they keep a blog filled with disjointed daily ruminations on life and art. You want to know something? FUCK YOU! I can't stand that bullshit, nobody reads your blog except other people who are just like you and also keep shitty blogs with 8pt text all rendered in shades of brown and cream that are nearly impossible to read.
And then there's just generally people in my life who are pissing me the fuck off. I suppose it would be in poor taste to write about people who could possibly come across this, but the whole purpose of me writing is to displace anger and whatnot. Eh, I'll just say that being a whore is never a good thing, whether it be a legitimate promiscuous bitch, an attention whore, a consumer whore, whatevvvvverrrrrrrrr.
Oh yeah, and another thing... don't fuckin text me after you've been drinking. You know who you are. Just generally fuck you though. I don't know if you think I'm still on your balls or if you just wish I would be, but I'm really not trying to do anything except play some video games and hang out in the company of others. You and your art fag biddy can go write indescipherable prose all day in your blogs and take artsy photographs of eachother beside broken windows and shit. LOL

Summer

I got back from Philadelphia Friday. It was a great trip, Lindsay showed me a lot of really cool places and kept me really busy. We even went "down the shore" to Sea Isle City, NJ. The weather sucked for a beach, but it was still nice to go somewhere different. I had to get a train home on Friday and I enjoyed it up until the point where this 40 year old Indian man sat next to me and kept asking me if everything I had was from India, and if I wanted him to get me alcohol so we could drink together... Needless to say, as soon as he got up, I got the fuck out of there and moved up to sit next to an old woman so I could avoid awkward unwanted conversation and continue what I had been doing (listening to my music and staring out the window).
Then, on Saturday, Andrew and I took a trip down to Richmond to paint a couple rooms in our house. It ended up being really eventful, though I'll spare you too many details. Let's just say there was a dead mouse, a creepy, possibly homeless guy in our alley, and someone/something digging through our trash on the back deck. And another thing... our heat and a/c have different thermostats, and we spent the whole weekend in an 87º house trying to find the a/c to turn it on, only to find it one hour before we left. Oy vey. We painted our living room (which had been MAGENTA) a nice olive-y green color that looks much, much better with the style of the house and also with our 1970's pleather couch! Then we painted my room a gray-blue-green color. Both rooms need a second coat. Never use Valspar paint.