Haven't posted in a long time!
Well, school has begun! I'm pretty excited about my classes and I'm really trying to focus on my art a lot more instead of making excuses or getting distracted by other things. It's hard though. Anyway, I'm taking Foundry (metal working, moldmaking, metal casting) and I am so excited to make some art that is basically indestructible and really badass. Hopefully I can get a really good concept so it will be a piece that I won't be embarrassed to hang on to for a million years. Also, why the fuck is it so hard to find sculpture tools around Richmond? You'd think it would be easy considering there's a FUCKING ART SCHOOL WITH THE BEST SCULPTURE DEPARTMENT IN THE COUNTRY chilling right in the middle of the city, but no. I had to go to the DENTAL STORE to get stuff to sculpt wax! Whatever though, going out into the world helps me "get inspired". Like today when I went to the dental store, I found out that dental tools are really cool and that being a dentist would be sweet. Except for the wanting to kill yourself part.

I can see what I want and where I want to be, but I don't understand how to get there. When I'm writing about something or trying to find an answer to some kind of problem, I can see where I am, and I can see where I want to come out, but I just can't think about how to get it? It's like one of those maps on a computer game like Age of Empires where you can see your camp and then the places you've explored kind of, but everything else is blacked out and you don't know what's there until you can get the stuff you need to advance to it.

Do you ever feel like maybe you think too hard about things, and that stops you from getting anywhere with them? I feel like that a lot about daily events, trivial things and not-so-trivial things, and also about art. Maybe it's because I have this clear picture of what I want, and the want I have for that specific outcome is so strong that I am afraid to take action or let things take their course.

Art is really frustrating to me, and I always second-guess my decision to choose art as THE THING I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE, because I have no idea where it's going to take me and I don't feel good enough and my art doesn't have some meaning that is super thought out, a lot of times I just work off emotion and the way things look, and people seem to look down on that. And I am constantly comparing myself to other people. And it's really hard in Richmond I think, and VCU, because there are so many talented people and I am really afraid of failure and I feel like I'm really on the outside of a lot of things.

And I guess it kind of stems from the fact that I just don't really feel any connection with anyone at all. At this point, a lot of people are seeming very disposable to me. I guess people have always been like that in some sense. It's frustrating, especially when you see all this bullshit on TV and in movies that basically tells you that you are nothing without other people. Everyone has a missing part that is made up in their best friend or their one true love, blah blah blah.

My head is really a confused mess right now. I feel like I need to make one of those web things that you make in school to help you study or something.

LeMans

Third time's a charm!

I'm totally going to buy a sweet 1970 Pontiac LeMans from my neighbor (in NOVA). It's really rusty and the interior is halfway falling off... but I think I love it anyway. It's got a gorgeous body and it's green... so of course I like it. I guess it will be my fixer-upper. Haha. I guess I'll have two fixer-uppers.

6th Grade

I am always really embarrassed when I re-read my old Blogger and Xanga entries. But I don't want to delete them.


...Please don't read them.
Lol.

Inertia

Inertia is a really irritating word to me. It sounds like it's full of motion, forward motion that has a lot of momentum behind it, but it really means inactivity, or if you're into physics, keeping the same speed and direction unless something fucks with it. And I guess my wrong definition is sort of like the physics definition, but I just think the way inertia feels is so different than just saying "oh, well, it's just going along steadily," that sounds so boring and wrong. The sound inertia makes is like rushing water and a powerful punch, it can almost sound like a four letter word. It's like an insult. You're so inert. You're lazy. You keep going forward, but nothing affects you. Boring. Predictable. Blaaaah!

I wish I were good at writing, because I have a lot on my mind and I can never seem to find the right outlet for it. I feel like I could say what I think a million times to everyone I know and none of them would ever understand it.
And I'm not saying this in a sad, look at me, I'm different type of way. I've kind of come to terms with it. But sometimes I just wish there was someone there who I could start my thought and they'd know what I was talking about before I was even done saying it.
I feel lonely. No I don't. I feel alone, but not lonely. I appreciate all my friends and the things they bring to my life, but I feel like I'm always searching for that one missing piece.
I like to be alone with my thoughts and the silence and just take in everything about the way the air feels and the smells it brings with it and the way the sun feels when it touches me or when the wind tickles my skin but I can't help but feel it might be better sometimes if I had that right person to sit there in silence with me or maybe just point out things that maybe I noticed and maybe I didn't but that are important because they seem so trivial.

I loved her, like we learn to love the people by our side, because they are our only companions.

I like this quote, I don't know what it is originally from, but I saw it on PostSecret Germany. I'd like to find it in English somewhere so I can understand it better, but I like what it means to me now :)